Yesterday I talked about my experience about the talk at Adoptiegesprek. We had a few laughs about it too, though sometimes I need a few days, or weeks to figure out what really happened to me. As it is a deep down feeling of unsafety to me, the spotlight. Big bright lamps… I always relate things to my past.
Yesterday night it kind of hit me as I imagined myself laying in a crib in the orphanage. And probably each time the lights were turned on, it meant people / caretakers are there and then you never know what could happen to you. Would they bring you out of the room to never return again, out of your crib… the spotlight, the bright light, meant things could change everything in a second for you. The safety of the darkness and the physical reaction for me when light is turned on me, it freezes my body.
It is an old reaction which is still valid to me in my body. It became a natural reaction to fear the lights. It places me in the highest state of alarm within my body and mind, a feeling of fear and anxiety.
Imagine that I went trough that feeling of unsafety each day for ten long months in the orphanage, ten months is more than 300 days… only being a few months old.
In a time you were supposed to be loved and nurtured by loved ones.. In a time that you need attention, warmth and energy of others. In a time you normally learn that when you cry, you are being taking care of, either with food, a new diaper or rocking melodies to let you fall asleep safely in the arms of your mother or family member.
Living in reality with lot’s of trauma’s, neurobiological, emotional, physical, spiritual.. it still marks my body and mind today. Understanding myself is the greatest gift to myself and still love myself. I embrace my inner child and I feed her everyday with my heart and soul. And love her for all she has been through. Each single day.
I am who I am and it is all good.