A few weeks ago I asked when looking at a picture of me in the garden of the orphanagein Tehran, probably first time meeting me adoptive / Dutch parents, at 1,5 years old, to ask for the memory of that moment.
And in the following weeks I gained the feeling back of that moment. It was extremely chaotic and confusing as I only knew the ladies in white were the ones who took care of me, though she disappeared back into the building so my eyes could not follow her around and I had to trust on the fact she would come back for me, in those times I was only a responder of what was happening around me in emotions and feelings, as they probably forgot to tell me in that moment wat was actually going on. At that moment it was the first meeting with my future parents, though I sensed that they behaved complete different of the Persian care takers. My future parents did not respond everything with a smile on their faces. I did not see the normal reactions I was used to when in contact with people, that was unusual to me. At that age I could sense they their behavior was unknown to me. I was trying to connect with them through eye contact, though  both of my adoptive parents do not like long eye contact (maximum a few seconds per time) as the Persians like to do. I could not get in contact with their eyes the way I was used to. I experienced that from the start. Connecting with eyes of others usually gives me a feeling of safety, presence and warmth.
It was extremely strange to remember, re-live that moment, as even then I did not belong to an adult/adults and that is something which is a super deep feeling of not belonging, of being on your own without support. Extremely torn.
As at that moment it is only the feelings you feel which happened to you, though it is not put in words, the parental separation.

A lost love. My heart carries a lost love.

The soul is communicating with me, when I ask myself simple questions, I can get an answer / insight as everything which happened to me is stored in my mind, heart and body somewhere. It is an interesting feeling to be connected again with that particular moment of change. Being adult I know that those times / moments were marking my soul deeply at that moment. The soul is truly remarkable and giving you all the information you need to know. Extraordinary.

About elinexplores

Persian Soul in Dutch Life. Flying down to earth.
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