Always learning..

Learning so much about myself when doing interviews and being filmed. As my own favorite criticus, I see a lot of things which can be bettered.
The interview for Manoto TV, the most recent one, the interview was in the morning. So I turned on my heater to tropical degrees so my hair would dry faster than normal (I don’t blow-dry my hair). Though when we started I completely forgot to turn it down again.. hahaha so yes due to stress also, I must admit, and the tropical temperature in my apartment I started sweating like crazy.
I also noticed I said in some sentences ‘we’ adoptees though that of course should be ‘I’, as I can only speak for myself. So if any adoptees are offended by that, I do take it back and apologize. And the sound is much better when I have my earplugs in (duh!).. so always learning!

Feeling inspired and super energized today!
Love it.

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To miss is to love

This year I spent NYE at home alone due to lockdown (two guest allowed) and due to my mood. I was not in the mood for celebration and wanted to do it like this. I did wait for midnight and then crashed in bed at 00.15 while the (forbidden) fireworks went off here in Amsterdam. And that you wake up in the middle of the night as some people partying on their balcony and were very loud and happy. It made me smile while I snoozed off again.

The darkest month of the year is behind us, now we are dealing with the coldest months of the year ahead of us. Hahaha so looking forward to the Persian New Year I must admit. The start of spring. I admire the sun and his rays.

I am thankful for all the people who are willing to help me in my search and sending me messages. It takes a lot of time to answer all, though that is ok.

I do notice that by starting searching again, I am feeling so vulnerable again as anything can happen and how do you handle the stress. My shoulders are tense, not doing bikram yoga and being a lot in my head instead of my belly. It opens up a whole lot of new feelings which are challenging. A lot of Iranians are emailing me about their missing persons in life, once you realize how many are missing… phoeh it is a lot. A lot of misery in one’s life.
Also adoptees in Iran are emailing me. I am answering all of them. I also had a conversation with an Iranian family who thought I am their relative. Though I am not. Unfortunately.

I have so many creative ideas which I need to work out too. Still working on those.

Most of all feeling blessed to be in touch with so many unique beings in this world. It colors my world every day. I feel privileged and I don’t take anyone or anything for granted.

This morning I remembered I had to check one of my messages as she, Sara Emami living in Amsterdam, had send me one of her posts of her blog regarding to connecting hearts as I described at the Manoto TV plus show….  It is so touching and I cried as I read it… to miss is to love.. so true.

So please have a look and be inspired today by Sara’s post..

I am touched by how many Iranians are willing to help me and support me in my quest.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Jat Khali Iran.

With love,

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My imagination

Amsterdam, 12 April 2005

My imagination guides me through life
My mind keeps bothering my heart
My soul is flying higher and higher
Allow me to slow down and just be for a change

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Affaires of the body, heart, mind and soul

The last 48 hour of this year..

And I just discovered it is full moon tonight.. the last one of 2020.
So all my crystals and stones will be outside in water tonight ready to be cleaned by the healing power of Grandmother Moon.

Aha, the last days of the year are full of reflections, what can I do better, what can I do different, where do I go? Who came into my life and who did I lose? What are my plans for 2021 and my wishes? Which moments I cherish and which moments did I learn from? Am I as naieve as I think I am? What is my strength and what is my weakness? Did I grow? At all?

2020 is the year of Corona and lockdown, who knew we would walk around with facemasks… I am focusing on love. I don’t want fear to divide us humans. Or the government, or the news. It is a lot to take in. I applaud all nurses and doctors for their hard work and love, all people who try to make the world a better place.

I was inspired to be invited to 3 film festivals; Palm Springs, Santa Barbara and Persian Film Festival Edinburgh Film Festivals, and to come and talk about Finding Farideh which I love doing!
I have been in the hospital, had an operation and thankfully my body is healthy!

I am proud of the fact I finally caught up with my extra kilo’s which I have been aware of so much though never set through. Now I did and I feel great about my own body again which I had not experienced that feeling for a looooong time! Such an important feeling. To be happy in general and not feel ashamed of myself. Looking forward to get back to my beloved bikram yoga after lockdown.

Spiritually I have grown quit a bit since October and am humble to receive all. Always having my feet firmly on the ground. Meditating every day. Dreams are so interesting! I tend to listen more and more to my intuition and happy to express my own boundaries these past year.

So yes I am proud of my self, my body, my heart, my mind and my soul.
I am my own cheerleader for life. I love & respect myself.

I have been lonely too.
And depressed at times.
At home alone. What is the point of living alone really?
That needs change in 2021.

Lockdown was and still is hard.

I miss a special one in my life.
That too.

2020, you were amazing at the start, confusing in the middle and lonely in the end.
Hello 2021, let’s rock!

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Magical words

Amsterdam, 22 januari 2005

Magical words want to come out of my heart
Though my mind probably will tell her not to go far
Stepping into the dark and find my way to the light
How beautiful words can be in your mind and just want to come out


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Manoto TV + show

Yesterday the interview about my second search called ‘Jat Kahli Iran’ was broadcasted at Manoto TV.

Thank you all at Manoto TV, especially Yeganeh as the producer, for your interest and support! Thank you all to everyone who supports this and shares this video with family and friends from Iran.

And please check also which is just online and will be updated with more information which I set up together with my friend Vahid in Tehran.

Thank you so much, and if you have any information about my relatives please e-mail me at

Kheili mamnoon,
With love,

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My birthday during Corona times

One day later it was my birthday… 45 years young.
No plans, no invitations. I felt sad and speaking to my friends this day did cheer me up.
Celebrate life when you can.
My neighbor came over to bring me flowers and I invited her to drink some cava with me at 1,5 meter distance in my place. And in the evening a friend came over to cheers to my birthday. Talking with friends on the other side of the world.
Life during lockdown brings all kind of emotions here and there. One minute you feel ok the other minute you are about to cry. It is all part of life.
And even death and birth are part of life. Life is always changing and the important part of this is how do you deal with it. The search in those days became ‘bijzaak’ so it did not have my focus in those days. It will have my focus again after today.
Good news is that my DNA kit arrived at Ancestry (after one month!) so happy about that and yesterday I was invited for the Manoto Plus Show to talk about my new search Jat Khali Iran. I will publish this later today.
Thankful for another year on this planet called Mother Earth.

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In Memoriam

Last week I published my second search called ‘Jat Khali Iran’ onto my social media accounts. I am always handling myself in the spur of the moment. I do something, later I will think about it. Just like now, I published the search again without thinking about the consequences or also about all the comments and messages in Persian I received. I can not understand Persian just yet. Ai. Ouch. That is frustrating though I know the reason why I am not learning Persian yet.. I still do not want to change my own relationship just yet with the Persian language. It will come. At the right time.
So back to my search, I am receiving a lot of messages and comments… I need friends to translate this for me. I have learned so many languages throughout my life and the Persian one was not one of them… English, German, French, Latin, Ancient Greek, Spanish… It will happen one day I am sure of it. Persian language.
Then two days later I got this horrendous news that a friend passed away. Too young too soon. He was the best friend of my ex boy friend. Someone who has been in my life for two years and someone I had a connection with. Whom I admired for the radiation of his soul. He was creative, genuine, open and so sweet, I enjoyed all the good times we shared. The one thing I learned during this time is how important your friends are when studying in the Netherlands. They all came from the Caribbean and studied in the Netherlands. They formed a chill tight group of friends who also liked to party and I fell for their accent. Hahaha. They have a kind of slang and chillness in their voices it just is magic to me. I vibe with them and loving them all for who they are to me as they are all genuine and relaxed guys. And also the ladies, I love them too. The Caribbean ladies have swag too you know and attitude. I see them for who they are, they were at first sometimes too scared to look me into the eye though once they do, I smile back with loving vibration. They are all so beautiful. I learned a lot to be included at those times, I learnt a lot from them and I love the island vibe and hotness. And dancing too. They belong to my ex boy friends life, though I am still appreciating for what they have meant to me.
Always am grateful to have you in my life and to..

Lieve Vinnie, DJ, dank je wel voor alle mooie tijd die we hebben gedeeld.. ik heb je lief. Tot de volgende keer aan de andere kant van de straat,
met heel veel liefde!!!!
Eline Farideh xxx

PS. Life is not fair. I wish to turn back time.
And dance some more with you..

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Finding Farideh

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